AT LAST

I don’t want this to sound like I am bragging, but I think I have finally figured out why I am so easy-going. It is because I am a youngest child. That is not to say that my siblings are not easy going, because they are. (Just not as much as me.) (Hi, Guys!) I know there are a lot of theories out there about where you fall in your family and how that affects your personality. I agree with this idea, but not for the reasons that we usually hear.  So, if anyone cares, here’s my theory:

My oldest child stresses out easily. She doesn’t like to wait, doesn’t like change, and needs things to be done perfectly (or at least exactly the way she wants them to be done). Now, these are not bad qualities. Sometimes, because they are coming from an emotional six year old, they can get a little out of hand. I fully expect, however, for her to grow up and mature and be able to do really great things because she is such a perfectionist and knows exactly what she wants. She is, for better or worse, a force to be reckoned with.

My middle child is pretty even-tempered. The only time he really gets upset is when I tell him he has to stop playing video games. He kind of seems like he is just along for the ride and doesn’t really have any idea what is actually going on. I can’t decide if this is because he is in the middle or because he is a four year old boy. Cluelessness seems to be a universal trait among that set. For example, this morning my husband was helping him in the bathroom and noticed that my son was wearing his pajamas but no underwear. When my husband asked him where his underwear was, my son looked down and said, “I have no idea.” See? Clueless. I understand from friends with teenage sons that this condition will get worse before it gets better.

Now to my youngest child. She is a toddler so of course she has her crazy demands and her shouts of “I do it!” and “Mine!” She bites occasionally, is super active and must have a book in her crib and in the car AT ALL TIMES (seriously, don’t mess with her on the book thing). But, when it comes right down to it, she is my most flexible child. She runs errands with me (sometimes for hours), she waits patiently for her food at mealtimes, she is easily distracted when tired or hungry. A sucker or a round of Pat-A-Cake usually does the trick.

Today I had to take my van into Costco to get new tires. I only had the baby with me as the other two were at school. They told me it would take 30-45 minutes. Now, I am not naïve enough to believe that when a repairman or mechanic tells you something will take half an hour that that actually means they will be done in half an hour. I am not blaming them or upset about it; I think it is just the nature of the beast, so to speak. So, I hoped for 30 minutes but figured it would be more like 60 and decided that I would kill the time by shopping. I wandered the store for about 40 minutes, browsed through the books and clothes, paid for my purchases, and headed back to the tire center. I could see them still working on the van and settled in to wait.

This is where being a mother becomes a test. The baby was getting antsy from sitting in the cart for almost an hour. I now had to entertain her for who knows how long. How much public embarrassment was I willing to risk to keep this baby happy? She requested the Itsy Bitsy Spider. Seriously? Right here in front of all these people?

Which would you rather avoid in public: singing nursery rhymes or having a tantrum-throwing toddler?

Yeah, me too.

We sang the Itsy Bitsy Spider and Pat-A-Cake and lots more. I tickled her and tested her ability to find her eyes, her nose, her hair, etc. It took maybe ten minutes. Now what? She pointed to the deli. I looked in my wallet and saw I had one dollar. Just enough for a churro. That’s a nutritious lunch, right? Fast forward about seven minutes, only three bites of the churro are gone, but the baby has managed to completely cover herself, head to toe, in cinnamon and sugar. But, she is happy and the van is finished. Totally worth it. She almost fell asleep on the way home. All of mommy’s public humiliation must have been exhausting for her.

Later, I wondered if my other kids were so patient at this age. I don’t really remember having an experience like this with them though. I think I would have made my husband take the van in because I didn’t think I could do it with the kids in tow. I don’t think I would have sung songs in public before because I would have been afraid that someone would think I was weird. But today, I did it and people saw me and I didn’t care. I certainly would not have given my first two kids free reign on a churro because it would have been too messy. Now, I don’t really think about stuff like that so much.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe my  youngest child’s easy going personality has more to do with having a more easy going mother than anything else. I think my youngest is so laid back, not simply because she is the youngest but because I am more relaxed as a mom with her than I was with my first.  Maybe my six year old stresses out so easily because, as a first time mom, I was always so stressed out. Now, I have more confidence and I worry less about what other people think and I don’t freak out about messes and stuff like that.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and start over with motherhood. You know how they say, “Pick your battles”? Well, not only would I choose different battles, I would choose a lot fewer of them, too.

And without all those battles, we could all finally have the chance to relax.

IT’S GOOD TO BE THE QUEEN

I sometimes have those crazy days where I will do just about anything to make it through. A little time out for myself to take some deep breaths and repeat the mantra, “I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids.” I think we all have our own little ways of making it through the day, the things we take advantage of because we are the mom and so we can, and the little checks on our sanity. I have my own list of confessions as a mom. Things I get to do or don’t have to do or things I get away with because, as the mom, I am in charge. I am the boss of myself, the boss of my kids, and the boss of my house. Really, it’s a tough job but somebody’s got to do it. Please don’t think that these are things I do on a regular basis. For the most part, they are just little things I occasionally enjoy getting away with.

1. If we have only one or two cookies left, I tell my kids we don’t have any. I do this for two reasons: one, I have three kids so one or two cookies just isn’t going to cut it and two, I want to eat the cookies myself after my kids have gone to bed.
2. I LOVE Hannah Montana. I watch it without my kids. To be perfectly honest, we don’t even allow our kids to watch it because we feel they are too young for it, but I watch it all the time. I don’t know what it is, but that show just sucks me in and I cannot turn it off.
3. I take way longer in the bathroom than is absolutely necessary just because I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I usually stay in there until some small child comes looking for me.
4. When I am on the computer and my kids interrupt me, I tell them they have to wait because “Mommy is working.” Really, I am just on Facebook or reading people’s blogs.
5. I am secretly glad that I get to eat kid’s food. I mean, if I didn’t have kids I don’t think I would ever have macaroni and cheese or hot dogs or go to McDonald’s. But, since I have children I get to eat this stuff all the time and I love it.
6. I make children cry on a daily basis. (Okay, if that sentence was taken out of context, it would make me seem like a horrible person. But, as a mom, it is just par for the course. And it is almost always for their own good.)
7. There is absolutely nothing in the world I dread more than potty training. I consider it a necessary evil and feel tortured during the entire process. If I had the money, I would pay someone to come in and do this task for me.
8. Last week, my four year old son made me throw a surprise birthday party for R2D2 (from Star Wars). In the middle of this “party,” I stopped for a moment, thought about what it was I was doing, and almost started to cry. Sometimes my life is sad, even to me.
9. I never believed I was a power hungry type of person, but I really, really love being able to say the words “Because I said so.” Or, I will ask my disobedient children “Who is the boss?” to which they must reply, “You are.” Sometimes, it just feels good to be the one in charge.
10. I honestly believe my children are the most adorable children on the face of the earth. There are a lot of really cute kids out there and a lot of kids that I dearly love, but no one even comes close to my own kids. I am only now beginning to realize that most mothers feel this way. And, really, on some days, that belief is the only thing that gets me through.

Alright, readers, time for you to fess up. What are your little secrets to surviving motherhood?

BALANCING ACT

Around mid-summer sometime, I sent my kids upstairs with very clear instructions to clean up the playroom while I was busy downstairs doing some other chores. About fifteen minutes later, I started to tune in to the sounds coming from the second floor. They were not the sounds of cleaning. They were the sounds of playing. No fighting or problems with sharing or destruction of any kind, just my kids happily playing. Together.

I know this will make me sound like a crazy person, but I wasn’t really sure what to do about this. I had very specifically asked them to clean up their toys. They were very obviously not obeying me. But, they were playing together and were happy. Did I want to storm up there with lectures and punishments and pleas for obedience or did I just want to let them continue playing nicely?

I mean, they are just children, right? As mothers, where do we find the balance of letting our kids be kids versus making them learn to be responsible and obedient and to do what they have been asked to do?

If your four year old refuses to brush his teeth one day, do you force him to do it anyway? Or do you just let it go because, for heaven’s sake, he’s only four?

My six year old knows that she has to make her bed every day and she is really good about doing it, even without being reminded. But, some days, she doesn’t feel like doing it. Do I just let that slide? Because, you know what, some days I don’t feel like making my bed either.

I know how important consistency is when raising children. They need to know what is expected of them and they need to understand the consequences that will follow if they don’t meet those expectations. And, to really get the message across, the consequences need to follow every single time.

I watch Supernanny. I totally get this.

But, sometimes, kids just want to play and have fun and be free. They don’t want to brush their teeth or make their beds or eat their vegetables.

Don’t you want that sometimes, too? Just to not have any responsibilities or to throw out your To-Do list and do absolutely nothing? And you are an adult; imagine how they feel!

So, here is what I am trying in my house; maybe it will work for you if you are struggling with this same balancing act.

Monday through Friday, everyone has to be responsible. My kids each have a list of Daily Expectations and all these chores must be completed every weekday. Once the weekend hits, though, they are free. No bed making or room cleaning or table setting. And no consequences for neglecting these things. In fact, I tell them not to do their chores (yes, sometimes they ask if they should and I actually say no). They do still have to get their hair and teeth brushed because I decided that health and hygiene were non-negotiable (I want them to have a break, but I don’t want to invite total anarchy).

And our weekends have been fantastic. I do all of my chores during the week and have left Saturdays open for family outings and fun activities and Sundays open to go to church and spend quiet time together at home. It is so nice for everyone to have a break and I am learning to turn a blind eye to the mess and disorganization that two days off will create. I just keep telling myself that Monday will come soon enough and then I can clean again. Now, the weekend actually feels like The Weekend. We have fun together and we recharge and we get a break from our regular routine and it is so refreshing.

So, that’s my tip for a little bit of a better balance for your family. Try it. You’ll like it. So will your kids.

And let me know how it goes!

IN WITH THE NEW

We have begun a new decade and this has forced me to look back on the old – to remember, to analyze, to find significance in the good and the bad.

I made a startling realization during this process. The past decade has been, and probably always will be, the most monumental decade of my life. In January 2000, I was single and in college. My life then in no way resembles my life now.  My husband and I knew each other; we were co-workers and friends but had not yet been on our first date. I was eight months away from my college degree, wondering what the future held.

As it turns out, it held a lot.

Here it is in chronological order: I got that degree, got married, my husband got his degree. We moved, worked, had our first child, moved again, my husband started law school, we had our second child. We survived on no money, no sleep and no time. We spent two summers away from our tiny student apartment; one here in Twin Falls, one in Washington, DC. We had a miscarriage. We had our third child. My husband finished school. We moved again. A life-long career began. We bought our first house. We bought a dog. We now survive on a little more money, still no sleep, and even less time.

All that, and much more, in only ten years. It went too fast. It was all such a crazy, chaotic blur that the details have been lost. I recently saw an old video we made of my now six and a half year old when she was about two. I watched that video and didn’t even remember that day at all. I heard her little toddler voice and it shocked me. It isn’t her voice anymore; and, yet, I never noticed that it changed.  It was only about four years ago and, if it weren’t for that video, it would have been as if it had never happened. All the major changes have eclipsed the smaller ones.

Every year, I institute a family motto that we try to remember and incorporate into our daily lives. In 2009, the motto was PEACE (after reading this post, can you possibly imagine why?).

In 2010, we will be TAKING IT SLOW.

I hope the next decade brings fewer upheavals and more slow progressions. I hope to keep better track of the every day and not get lost in the big picture. In the next ten years, that former two year old and current six year old will be a completely unrecognizable sixteen year old.

And I, for one, don’t want to miss a thing.